So I've still been freaking about career choices especially after my parents suggested going into the human resource management thingamajigger and now I have even more to think about. Not to say that I think I'd be any good in the business department but I did like being in the office atmosphere two summers ago when I was working at my roommate's mom's company. And social work is about working with people so I guess in my strange way of thinking I see human resources as a weird combination of that. My wonderful little sister, Sharon, went to the library last night to study for her math final today and saw a book on human resources management and borrowed it for me :). Hehe, I love her. And I skimmed through it and it did seem interesting. There are a lot of different things they do and it really is about "people".

But I'm a freaking senior now, you know? This is no time for me to go and try out new career paths, or explore... but here I am, signing up for CS 105 and studying for calculus, which I got a D+ in, in high school. Hopefully I can get the prereqs done so that I can get a business minor. I dont know. Nothing's definite, but it's something to think about.

Also! I emailed a professor in the Social Work department and she said she might be able to train and guide me through an iindependent study course which is definitely something to be excited about :) I feel like something is finally going my way.

Funny thing, my sister also happened to see this book called, I'm an English Major-Now What? I read it too last night, and I love how the author adds in all these works that you're bound to read if you are an english major. Then I read this which made me laugh out loud because 1) He was incorporating social work with English. 2) He did it in a way that included Dickens, which I took an awful class on fall semester.

"Good luck applying for a job in social work with the argument Believe me, I know people. I read Bleak House three times" (Lemire 8).

Fred is probably the only one who got that.  Hi Fred! Seriously, let's hang when you're not doing sophisticated lawyer stuff.

I'm writing this as I'm skyping Boy, who now has an English name :) He's cooking and dancing at the same time because he wants my attention. :P I love this boy. Oh look now he's singing. Can't wait to see him tomorrow!! I'm taking Lex tho.... I hate it. So shady. Plus it'll prolly be the shuttle and I'll be all alone and  the driver might just veer off the course and...

Anyway.

I've been a bum for the past two days. I really should get started on studying for the GRE and calc.

---- I love Cha Seung Won ---- He's a very hot hot man.

Now that I'm home, it's time to think about all this stuff. I'm feeling the strain of being broke and I really don't want three months to go to waste. So I've been scrambling to apply to many jobs as I can online, crossing my fingers each time I hit the submit button. I can't help feeling that filling out online applications is just a lazy ass attempt. Plus, just helping out my parents in the lab with sales is stressing me out. I hate cold calling. The thought of randomly calling a dentist and telling him that our lab will be the perfect fit for him is scary. Heck, it's a feat if I even get to talk to the dentist. Usually, the call ends with the receptionist saying the dentist isn't interested but what sucks most is that after that short call, I have to see the disappointed look on my parents face.  I just can't do it for three months.

Luckily, I have a big extended family and my uncle's wife is running a camp for kids during the summer. I can help out and get paid each day. Not exactly sure how much I'll get paid but just getting paid is enough for me. It's only for six weeks, starting in late June, but it's something to keep me busy. Plus, it's been awhile since I've interacted with kids. It should be a good change of pace.

So I somehow brought up the fact that I want to be a social worker with Mom and she didn't completely balk. My parents and I have been discussing it but it's amazing how hard I try to avoid talking about school/career with them, especially if there's disagreement. I just want to please them and just tell them we can talk about it later. I'm a senior in college now. There really isn't anymore "later" anymore. I have to go through these ugly discussions which aren't really that bad.

One thing I realized. Dad is still hanging onto that childhood dream of mine, being a writer. He keeps mentioning it and it's so touching. That he wants me to strive for my childhood dream. Mom scolded him, saying that it isn't practical and that he needs to keep his head out of the clouds. But I need him to be there, still hoping for me, even if I know it probably won't happen. My writing sucks. There is no question about that. My style is horrible, my voice is crap, my vocab is shit, I don't have the sophistication to be a writer. So it breaks my heart in a way, but even so, I need him to keep dreaming.

So now, I'm looking up writing contests, wishing I could be good enough. Hell, maybe I'll even try entering one but damn those entry fees.

I'm just dying for a way to feed my parents. I've been feeding my mom like crazy with deep talks and she's so good to me. It's harder to feed my dad because for him, it's about the concrete stuff. Academics, jobs, sales, productivity. I love them so much, but I love them loving me more. Does that even make sense?

I have a feeling the summer will be good. I need to learn to be optimistic.

Boy is in Las Vegas at the moment. That bastard. Starting to miss him a bit. *tear*
 

The Bulls won! It was a close game too :) Not that I watched the entire thing, I personally think it's pointless to watch the first half of a basketball game. Third and fourth quarters are what makes the game exciting unless a team is trailing by thirty points.

I could use a nap. I've been really screwing up my sleeping schedule and I had been so good, making sure I'm in bed before two. Now it's back to like six or seven. This is like the worst time to screw up my schedule too.

A friend of mine from freshmany year sat next to me during 12:30 service and he, the Boy, and I walked back to dorms and got some food at latenight. It was weird because one, it's been a long time since we've talked so we didn't know what to say. But two, I was able to straight up tell him my opinions without worrying. I told him that he was mean--which he is. And I did it with no qualms. I remember freshman year I worried all the time about what to say around him especially since I had a huge crush on him. Maybe he even had issues with that because he just saw me at this quiet friend who agreed with everything he said. It was weird, but it was good to talk to him-hear him make jokes about people from freshman year even though he hadn't talked to those people in awhile. Stroll down memory lane, y'know?

I need to work on my self-esteem. I'm trailing after L even though I'm older. I want her approval, I want her to like me. At the same time, I get jealous that she knows all these guys and everyone likes her. I need to be comfortable with myself and want that self-confidence. Without it I don't think i can get anywhere.

How do you build up an essence of yourself? A strong core that never shakes?

Working out is one way I try to build up myself (in a less literal way). I think I believe that I'll be able to gain self-confidence through this and this is why I'm starting to go everyday. Running--pushing myself feels good and lifting weights-that soreness in my muscles make me feel I'm getting better. That somehow I'm a step closer to reaching a "Perfect Me".

Tomorrow is Boy and I's six-month anniversary and more than ever I am thankful to him for the support and love he's given me. And not the doting kind of love but the kind of love that two best friends share. That two "kindred spirits" share. I can honestly say that I am more in love with him than day one. Than yesterday. Or the day before. I can't say he makes my life complete but he makes my life much more bearable. He may have added more drama to my life but he teaches me to love others and to have confidence in myself. Six months feel like a long time but I love that there will be more times for us to share and grow together.

K. enough with the sentimental. :)

You know the feeling you get when you're on a certain edge where you know it's that time of the downward spiral of being broken and it seems so inevitable? The rush of anxiety when you see the steepness and the pain it'll cause you even though you know in the end you'll come out even a little bit stronger. That's where I'm at right now, where I'm getting hurt a little by little, faster and faster, about to fall to pieces when I cross that threshold...very low threshold. So...I have a choice. I can either break down and cry or I can - toughen up.

I can stop thinking about myself and care about others for a change. I can break out of my comfort zone and get to know new people. Yes, I am being broken but I want to get maximum growth from it. And for some reason, crying to Boy about it doesn't seem like the best way to go about it. I want to be stronger, more joyful, loving, caring and I don't want to do it after a long drawn out crying process.

I always fall into this cycle, but this is the time to break out.

Stay happy Esther. It's my motto ... until spring break.